Parenting Decisions that Drive Me Crazy

I'm away at Student Life Urban Serve Mission Camp in Atlanta this week. I wanted to share my top visited blog posts a few times this week. Here is a blog post I wrote back in 2011.

Student ministry is filled with excitement, spontaneity, late nights and life changing moments. At the same time there are some hard aspects of helping lead students and parents into a growing relationship with Christ. I guess I had some assumptions going into ministry back in 2004 that parents in the church are making decisions to lead their children to prioritize their relationship with God. The truth is there are equal issues within the church as well as outside of the church. Attending a church on a weekly basis does not automatically mean a person is a follower of Christ.

Here are a few things that I find absolutely crazy as a student pastor:

1. Parents who make conscious decisions to put sports, school, activities, etc. above church (worship, small groups, mission trips).

It goes a little like this, the parents have great “intentions” for their children to follow Christ and make wise decisions; but, their direction is leading them to basically look at church and a relationship with God as non-important. I’ve had conversations with this type of parent and usually they come to me in a state of emergency “I-need-the-student-pastor-to-fix-my-child” mode. What breaks my heart the most is that they will spend years investing loads of money, time and effort into sports, activities, clubs and barely invest the Word of God into their lives! If all you do is push them to achieve perfection in every area except serving Christ, you will more than likely reap this result. Spend time training up children to pursue and share the gospel of Jesus! Remember, good intentions are never enough. Key verse: Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

2. Parents living through their children.

Everyone will live through their children to a point, but what about going to extremes?

Example 1: “Super-Insecure Dad.” We have all seen it. There is that one Dad at the baseball game who is jumping and screaming in the stands at his son (who is trying his best, but isn’t a Major League baseball candidate). This Dad is basically “Uncle Rico” from the movie, Napoleon Dynamite! He makes his son play sports with the hopes of one day receiving a full scholarship to college. It is a worthy goal, but is your child truly passionate about playing? Are you boasting in Christ or in your children’s ability? Key verse: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4

Example 2: “Perfection-Expecting Mom.” There is that mother who pushes her daughter to achieve A+ grades at any cost and if she receives a B grade her self-worth is beat down by the expectations of the parents. Parents need to encourage their children to work hard, try their best and more… but not at the cost of building their identity into a grade, class or an activity. Students today are more stressed out than ever before. Can grades become an idol? Can the pursuit of perfect grades simply be an extension of pride?

Example 3: “Emotional-Stalking Parent.” The last example is the parent who treats their son or daughter’s boyfriend/girlfriend as their spouse! Most students date because they want to be “popular” and accepted. Boundaries are almost forgotten because of the parents becoming emotionally involved inliving through their children and building their own self-worth through the relationship. Students who date in middle school and high school leave room for more temptation rather than spiritual maturity and purity! Why are parents pushing their children to date seriously before they are even emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally able to understand true love? Is it due to the parent feeling “special” because their son or daughter has a significant other? (Twilight obsession anyone?) “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22. “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Song of Solomon 8:4.

3. Parents who steer their children away from following God’s call on their life.

I have had the privilege to encourage and equip students (college and high school) who feel God calling them to do something for God’s glory. I went to college with many friends who had parents who were not supportive of them going to Bible college. Because to the world (and some parents) going into the ministry is a low income decision, and we know that everyone has an “opinion” about people working for churches. I think some parents want their children to know God but not love Him enough to give up a six figure job to go into ministry. Is ministry hard? Yes. But it is a privilege to serve a God who is alive and share that good news with a world that is dying without the hope of Christ! Jesus warned about building earthly wealth over building His kingdom.

I’m not a parenting expert, but I hope to encourage parents to set the spiritual direction in the home while allowing their children to develop their own personality and passion to honor God.

Key verse: “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.“ Deuteronomy 6:5-7.

The Missing Links in Student Ministry

I'm away at Student Life Urban Serve Mission Camp in Atlanta this week. I wanted to share my top visited blog posts a few times this week. Here is a blog post I wrote back in 2010. 

For the past 5 or so years I’ve had the privilege to be in student ministry. I have learned a lot since I jumped into ministry.

I thought I’d share a few missing links that I wish I knew when I started in ministry.

- Expectations – I am learning to not have expectations. I know it sounds bad. I have learned to appreciate each staff I have worked with and appreciate their differences and personality. God has worked in my life to pray for and encourage those I serve alongside with in ministry. Life is too short to hold grudges or be critical of fellow ministers!

- Relationship-driven ministry BEATS Event-driven ministry every time - My tendency is to plan my calendar to be packed full of events. I have learned that having a packed calendar does not mean that I’m filling students spiritually. The “American Dream” of student ministry is to keep the students “motivated” from one event to another. My prayer is that students will learn that God’s Word is ENOUGH for them to grow spiritually. Events help in this process but are not the goal. Events can not build relationships and keep students strengthened through the “roller coaster” school years.

- Focus on the students who want to become leaders. I spent a lot of time trying to convince/motivate/almost beg students (and parents) who did now want to surrender and follow Christ. I’m not talking about students who are un-churched, but the ones who are members. I find that the hardest people to lead are the ones who have been in church their entire lives and have become “numb” to the movement of God. Jesus set an example of investing in 12 disciples (only 11 graduated) and spent a majority of his time with Peter, James, and John. I’ve learned that I can speak and pray for students to follow Jesus, but at the end of the day they are going to have to make the decision! Disciple and train students to reach their friends and families for Christ and then SET THEM LOOSE!

- Encourage and Equip Parents – Parents are one of the missing links in student ministries in the past 10 years. At first I thought parents needed to “get with it!” Now I realize more and more that they are the main spiritual influences in their student’s lives. An ongoing issue that I deal with are parents who allow their 12-16 year old student  date whomever their student decides is “cute.” Parents need to set boundaries when it comes to relationships, media, and friends! If they do not set biblical convictions in the home, most of the time what message series we are talking about will not sink into their hearts.

- Mentoring – Relationships are the key component for students to learn how to live for Christ. I am changing up my plans to fit more students into my schedule. I plan on taking students with me when I go places. Simple steps to build relationships make an impact. Mentors in my life always spent time listening to my problems, needs, prayer requests and more. I pray that I can do a better job at this in the future.

- Quality time with Cassidy – Ministry can be draining. Setting times to unwind and just talk to one another is a priority in our marriage. I have learned through experience that I must plan to make time for my wife or ministry will plan it for me. It is easy to “spiritualize” and spend all my time working and talking about ministry. The problem is that my main calling is to lead my family spiritually! If that fails, then it is a domino effect on ministry. My prayer is that I will do a better job of loving my wife (like Christ loves the church) and serving God together!

Thoughts on Spiritual Growth

I'm away at Student Life Urban Serve Mission Camp in Atlanta this week. I wanted to share my top visited blog posts a few times this week. Here is a post I wrote on spiritual growth last year. 

Spiritual growth happens when disciplines are put in place to focus upon becoming like Christ. God has shown me that it is easy to become distracted with being “busy” and miss out on the joy of intentional focus upon God’s Word and prayer. Spiritual formation is much more than a class, but a daily walk with God. My goal is to become a better man of God personally so that I can impact more people publicly. Pharisees focus upon Spiritual growth as retaining knowledge. God’s Word is not meant only for information but transformation of hearts and lives! Spiritually mature people help those far from God know about the gospel through their words, actions, and attitudes! Spiritual growth leads a person from the bench and plugs them into the action of loving and reaching people that need the love of Christ.

Another area of my life I plan to grow in is to spend more time praying with my wife. Although we lead in ministry together, we can never get too busy ministering to others that we miss out on caring for each other. My prayer is that I will be a better spiritual leader in my marriage and one day my children. Spiritual disciplines are the heartbeat of growing to become like Christ. Without filling our hearts and minds with God’s Word and prayer, we can easily become swayed by the tide of the our “prayerless” culture.

The last aspect is to simply trust God in each decision and situation in life. God is strong enough to carry our burdens. Over the past three years I have been through extreme low times and extreme exciting times. God is showing me that He stays consistent with His provision, love and mercy. Knowing who God is fuels my desire to become more like Him. Spiritual growth is the process of becoming and living for Christ in all areas of life!

Discover. Grow. Go.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 (ESV)